I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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