I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
