I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I am naked and annoyed.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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