I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
