The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
