in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
