I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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