This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
