i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
