I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
