He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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