Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
