WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Randomize
