I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
be right there i have to get my cape
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Randomize
