So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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