Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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