Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Houston, we have a squirter
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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