I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
