it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
