and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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