People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Randomize
