I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
