A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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