i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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