Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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