how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize