Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
