im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize