I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize