She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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