I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
