Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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