i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
