I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
BRING THE BAGELS
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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