Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
