Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
