i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Randomize
