Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
