He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Randomize
