I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
