That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
