PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize