Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Randomize
