the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
