He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
