sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
