3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
