My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Randomize
