We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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