So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
