Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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