I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
