I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
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