Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
