how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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