my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
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