I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
