Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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