There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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