Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
