I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
